A Saucerful of Secrets: April 2008

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

"What a curious life we have found here tonight"

"You should never hesitate to trade your cow for a handful of magic beans." - Tom Robbins

I've been in Brooklyn for almost 6 months now, and I'm already getting the urge to move on. This constant need for change haunts me. I've moved so many times in the past few years, and it's never enough. I am on an eternal quest to piece together a life where I feel comfortable being in this skin. Mainly I change locations, whether it be apartments, cities or coasts.

I have this restless feeling that is always bubbling below the surface. Every so often I do something new (latest was piercing my nose) or different and it soothes it for awhile. Moving is what helps the most. I never feel as exhilarated as the moment I start the car and drive off to a new destination. I can glance in the rear view mirror and honestly smile. Smile at memories of what I'm leaving, smile at memories of where I'm heading. I have never let myself move to run away from something, no matter how much I have wanted to. You can't hide from your problems, they catch up to you no matter where you go.

I am always moving towards something that I think is going to fix everything, make me feel like a whole person... but nothing ever does. That's where my problem en lies. I keep thinking that changing something is going to fix me, but it doesn't. Maybe it will make the situation a bit better, but it's always the same. I always lapse into the same routines, the same feelings, the same emotions.

When I was younger I had this theory that life is on an endless loop. You keep encountering the same situations over and over again in disguise. You relive the same thing until you learn your lesson and do things right. For example. If you keep dating the type of person who treats you badly, it's because you are supposed to handle this one differently. You wind up with the same sort guy over and over until you respond correctly.

But hidden in this love for change is fear. Fear that it won't work, fear that I will fail, fear that I will end up unhappy once again. Apprehension forever clouds my mind.

I'm suffocating and it's only been six months.

"And I only hide what is on my mind because I can't explain"

"Here's the silhouette, the face always turned away
The bleeding color gone to black, dying like a day
Couldn't figure out what made you so unhappy
Shook your head to say no no no
And stopped for a spell
And stayed that way
Oh well, okay

I got pictures, I just don't see it anymore
Climbing hour upon hour through a total bore
With the one I keep, where it never fades
In the safety of a pitch-black mind
An airless cell
That blocks the day
Oh well, okay

If you get a feeling next time you see me
Do me a favor and let me know
'Cos it's hard to tell
It's hard to say
Oh well, okay"

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

"The world that you need is wrapped in gold silver sleeves"

"But now we must pack up every piece
Of the life we used to love
Just to keep ourselves
At least enough to carry on"

Friday, April 18, 2008

"Chaos in the world brings uneasiness"

Something's off.
I've had this jittery feeling in my bones all day.
I'm apprehensive
It's like every part of my body is on pins and needles.
There's something screwy with the Universe
I know something's coming, but I don't know what

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

"More to come after these messages"

"Cheer up, honey, I hope you can
There is something wrong with me
My mind is filled with silvery stars
Honey, kisses, clouds of fog
Picking apples for the kings and queens of things I've never seen"

Thursday, April 10, 2008

"Not really knowing where I'm going but my goal's to provoke thoughts"

"The first step was birth
Now forever cursed to analyze his self-worth
The second step was belief
He had to make that move before he even grew teeth
The third step, respect awareness
He could trip over the next step if he's careless
That next step, number four, was love
Can't touch it without stepping the other three above
As he froze for a moment
Ignoring the remaining ones
He was approaching, focus stolen
Looking down at his hands to see what he was holding
Nothing, empty
No choice but to keep going
The fifth step felt like a misstep
It was a re-evaluation of the first four
The anxiety, fear of what it hurts for
Caught in somewhere between the earths core
And the first floor
When he finally made it to step six
He could no longer see it for what it is
All of his views and family and life were askew
Number six had been twisted by the previous two
The last step, the seventh
Was the only thing left that kept him outside of heaven
One last breath and everything could be pleasant
Life through death, man's final lesson"

- Slug

Monday, April 7, 2008

"Everything in it's right place"

It's 4:43 in the morning.
I'm listening to Radiohead.

A place for everything and everything in it's place. I feel like I am always striving to fulfill this, but never can. I am forever working towards getting everything in it's right place. Whether it's my never ending battle with school, not being able to find a job, or my inability to just let things happen, it is always a struggle. I think the one thing I would like most in the world is to just let things happen. My overactive brain is always analyzing, always working out the outcomes in a situation. Before something has even happened, I've already run through all possible scenarios in my head and how I would react to them. (Gift/Curse)

On one hand, it is extremely beneficial. I am prepared for pretty much anything and everything, and can handle myself well because of this. I am not easily caught off guard. On the other hand, it mother fucking sucks. Running through everything in my head over and over again drives me crazy.

I can't turn it off.