Oh well, OK.

"And if I did have a choice
I'd never want to live forever
Just let me have a voice so I can make my points
I can't imagine running a race with no finish line
Just let me keep my pace and make the most of my time
I love giving but I'm bad at receiving
The truth is, I'd prefer to be the one bleeding
But I'm a paranoid that stays between play and work
Cautious and aware, 'cause I'm afraid of being hurt
Which brings me to the issue
And that would be this:
How often must I ask myself why I exist?
I feel like a freak, this world is a circus
Just trying to find myself as well as my purpose"
- Atmosphere

"Men are not punished for their sins, but by them."

I went home to Westchester last night planning on having a relaxing evening with my parents. Fifteen minutes into the traffic laden journey, the car in front of me stops short. I swerved to the right to try and avoid it, but the entire left side of my car smashed right into him.

With a sore neck and anger flushed cheeks, I swing open my door to tell him exactly where he can shove his Toyota. Unfortunately for me, my door has been bent shut, and I have to force it open. I gracefully edge my way out of the car, half falling as I pull my foot free. I come face to face with two pre-pubescent pimply faced children who probably didn't even have drivers licenses. They stammered hello, shuffling their feet as they looked at the front of my car. I take a deep breath, and ask them to drive off the exit and meet me on the side of the road. Luckily, my car is still functional.

My headlight is shattered, bumper has chunks torn out of it, the hood is bent up.



Long story short, I got back to Westchester in one piece. There's nothing wrong with the other car, and mine will probably take about $3000 to fix.

"New York was an inexhaustible space, a labyrinth of endless steps, and no matter how far he walked, no matter how well he came to know its neighborhoods and streets, it always left him with the feeling of being lost."

"What a curious life we have found here tonight"

"You should never hesitate to trade your cow for a handful of magic beans." - Tom Robbins

I've been in Brooklyn for almost 6 months now, and I'm already getting the urge to move on. This constant need for change haunts me. I've moved so many times in the past few years, and it's never enough. I am on an eternal quest to piece together a life where I feel comfortable being in this skin. Mainly I change locations, whether it be apartments, cities or coasts.

I have this restless feeling that is always bubbling below the surface. Every so often I do something new (latest was piercing my nose) or different and it soothes it for awhile. Moving is what helps the most. I never feel as exhilarated as the moment I start the car and drive off to a new destination. I can glance in the rear view mirror and honestly smile. Smile at memories of what I'm leaving, smile at memories of where I'm heading. I have never let myself move to run away from something, no matter how much I have wanted to. You can't hide from your problems, they catch up to you no matter where you go.

I am always moving towards something that I think is going to fix everything, make me feel like a whole person... but nothing ever does. That's where my problem en lies. I keep thinking that changing something is going to fix me, but it doesn't. Maybe it will make the situation a bit better, but it's always the same. I always lapse into the same routines, the same feelings, the same emotions.

When I was younger I had this theory that life is on an endless loop. You keep encountering the same situations over and over again in disguise. You relive the same thing until you learn your lesson and do things right. For example. If you keep dating the type of person who treats you badly, it's because you are supposed to handle this one differently. You wind up with the same sort guy over and over until you respond correctly.

But hidden in this love for change is fear. Fear that it won't work, fear that I will fail, fear that I will end up unhappy once again. Apprehension forever clouds my mind.

I'm suffocating and it's only been six months.

"And I only hide what is on my mind because I can't explain"

"Here's the silhouette, the face always turned away
The bleeding color gone to black, dying like a day
Couldn't figure out what made you so unhappy
Shook your head to say no no no
And stopped for a spell
And stayed that way
Oh well, okay

I got pictures, I just don't see it anymore
Climbing hour upon hour through a total bore
With the one I keep, where it never fades
In the safety of a pitch-black mind
An airless cell
That blocks the day
Oh well, okay

If you get a feeling next time you see me
Do me a favor and let me know
'Cos it's hard to tell
It's hard to say
Oh well, okay"

"The world that you need is wrapped in gold silver sleeves"

"But now we must pack up every piece
Of the life we used to love
Just to keep ourselves
At least enough to carry on"